State of Mind I: Finding
by Alexannah
Summary: There are three known shadow demons in existence, from the centres of the three legendary Fire Rubies. Two are accounted for, but the third is still at large ... and in 1852 found its way into the innocent hands of an eight-year-old Albus Dumbledore.
1. Prologue: The One With No Name

Summary: Always haunted by his past, Albus Dumbledore grew up hating the memory of his father. Love saved him from the Darkness, but at a price. When he finally finds out who he really is, it could be the chance to bring him and his father together, or push them apart forever.

Rating: M

Warnings: Serious angst (if you like the EaGL thing you'll probably like this), language, mentions of child abuse, sexual references. Some of the background's a bit dark as well. **See author's notes for update**

Disclaimer: After I begged and pleaded for hours on end, JKR had the mercy to … tell me I _still_ didn't own Harry Potter.

Author's Notes: This is a completely new series – yes, _another_ one – and has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of my fics. There is no HBP and no OotP, only a few select elements imported. The prophecy does not exist and Sirius is alive, but the characters and so on are the same.  
This bit's** important:** From hereon I've taken a huge amount of liberties (or "creative licence" as I prefer to call it) with Albus' character. It will cause a lot of debate. So, if you want to review just to tell me Albus is OoC, don't bother. You will not get a pleasant response from me.  
Okay, an **update** to the notes/ships/warnings. I decided a while back that Albus was going to be bisexual but it wouldn't really affect the storyline too much. Now it will a bit. Not so much now, but I realised I didn't have a lot of detail planned in Albus' teens–early adult (pre-Minerva) life, so I added some in, which included **slash**. There will be references to slash and possibly some flashbacks occasionally, and we'll get a drop of one-sided ???/Albus later in the series. If you really can't handle even the smallest amount of slash, turn back now.  
I've finally decided that the series will be a trilogy, but after the third instalment there will be several (how many I don't know) one-shots to get glimpses of what happens later. I may also write one from the point of view of Albus' secret admirer, but obviously not until I've revealed who it is in the series.  
I _am_ still continuing with EaGL and the others, never fear. So put down that pitchfork right now.  
Note to Dani: Watch out for Shadow!

* * *

**State of Mind: Finding**

**Prologue: The One With No Name**

_Where once was light  
Now darkness falls  
Where once was love  
Love is no more  
Don't say goodbye  
Don't say I didn't try  
**- LotR (Gollum's song)**_

The seat was cold, and damp seeped through Albus' robes, making him shiver. For once he didn't avoid the cold – normally he hated it, but he had more important things on his mind.

He was sitting on a wet stone bench at the end of a long graveyard. Rows of headstones, all the same size and shape with a single flower on each, stretched out almost as far as the eye could see.

Most were casualties of war: The later victims from World War Two and some from the two Voldemort wars, the second of which was still ongoing.

The graveyard was at the edge of Hogwarts' grounds, and few people from the school knew of its existence. Albus' conscience had made him form it and many of the buried dead were people he'd known … or felt guilty about their passing for one reason or another.

Halloween was a significant day for Albus for many reasons. Most were personal reasons that none or few were aware of. Albus preferred to spend Halloween alone, with the exception of the feast, which he was always too eager to leave. Minerva understood – most of the reasons, anyway – but no-one else did. Albus had shard his full past with no-one. Or at least voluntarily.

On the thirty-first of October ever year, Albus spent a few hours just sitting on the bench and thinking. He usually avoided thinking about any of his life, but sometimes he knew he had to face it.

His family played a large part in this contemplation. A number of events linked to it happened on this day. Albus could swear the day was cursed … for him, anyway.

When he was a child, his mother had died sometime during the night between the thirtieth and the thirty-first, and his stepfather barely hours afterwards. Although the second was no great loss, but the circumstances … Albus sighed, staring out at the headstones. You couldn't change the past, but often he longed to re-write that particular event. Things could have turned out differently … And almost definitely for the better, Albus knew: after all, how could it possibly have been worse?

Changing that one event, however, would not help his daughter. A lump arose in Albus' throat as he remembered sweet, bouncy baby Aimee. He never knew what eventually happened to her. Her mother had been a Muggle who'd left Albus when she found out he was a wizard, and took Aimee with her. Albus had never traced her.

And then there was Harry Potter. Harry had now been in a coma close to six months, and showing no signs of waking up. His friends literally lived there, except for classes. Mrs Weasley visited regularly, as did Remus Lupin, who had developed a fairly close relationship with the young man in the last year, and Sirius, whose name had been cleared just before the attack when Pettigrew was caught, was refusing to leave Harry's side for a minute and was being force-fed by Mrs Weasley.

Recently the attacks from the Death Eaters had become less common, and rumours were flying that Voldemort was losing his touch. Albus suspected that he was actually planning something big, as did most of the Order.

In the last year or so Minerva had taken on most of the Order work that Albus used to do, to help him out and give him a break. Albus admitted it was stressful, but he hated not having anything to do more. Part of him knew that his part in the war was coming to an end, although he couldn't explain how he knew. Feeling useless was driving him mad.

Albus thought right back to the time when Voldemort had reappeared. Shortly afterwards he and Harry had sort of drifted apart, and not had much of a relationship. Albus regretted not being more involved with him, but that was all in the past now. It was filed away with the numerous other memories and regrets.

His mind was brought back to the present when he heard running footsteps, and turned to see a frazzled-looking Minerva hurrying towards him.

"Albus!" she called breathlessly, pausing by the wall to clutch a stitch.

"Minerva? What is it?"

"Harry! He's awake!"

**TBC …**

A/N: Please review … I know I've been mysterious … That's what prologues are all about! Remember **no flames** and **no OoC comments** … unless you're telling me how much you liked my characterisation. Then it's okay.  
Another thing about reviewing: Don't just write "Update!", even with a "Please" beforehand. If you're not going to write comments about the story, don't bother. I'm sensitive to pressure and lots of reviews screaming simply "Update!" is frustrating and do not get the chapters out faster. If anything they hinder them.

**_Note about reviewing:_**_ Please, for the love of Merlin, **do not** review simply to tell me to **update**! I get it all the time and am sick of it. **If **you review, **please** say what it is you did or didn't like, and bulk out your review as much as possible. Make it worth the review alert, please! As always I love guesses where the story is headed and what I'm going to do next, and helpful suggestions are always welcomed. Don't flame.  
Thanks. _


	2. Something to Remember

_**Summary:** Always haunted by his past, Albus Dumbledore grew up hating the memory of his father. Love saved him from the Darkness, but at a price. When he finally finds out who he really is, it could be the chance to bring him and his father together, or push them apart forever. _

**Disclaimer:** The wonderful Alby still belongs to JKR. He should be thankful, considering everything I would put him through if he were mine. (grins evilly_) _

**Author's Notes:** OK, I lied! I haven't edited the prologue yet. But, there's just so much I need to decide where to introduce it. I will continue with the fic and let you know when I've edited the prologue so you can go back and re-read it. All you really need to know at this point is that Albus has had an appalling life. (Sorry, Alby. I really am.) Thanks to my reviewers of the prologue! More angst to come!  
_**This is important:** I forgot to add "Self-Injury" and "Mental Disorders" to the warnings last chapter. I was having a mental aberration when I posted it (or maybe it was just really late, one of the two) and they got missed out. I will edit the warnings when the prologue is edited. Remember this fic is rated M for a reason and is also my angstiest series – and if you compare with some things I've written, that's not easy. _

**Updated Warnings:** Child Abuse, Self-Injury, Mental Disorders (not technically, but similar effects), Slash (only mentioned in this fic but included in rest of series),Other Sensitive Topic

* * *

**  
Chapter One: Something to Remember**

"I thought you said he was _awake_? _Awake_ implies aware of surroundings!"

"Well, he was stirring then!" Minerva snapped back. "Sorry if I used the wrong verb; I'm not perfect!"

"Will you two shut up, you sound like an old married couple!" Severus hissed. It had the desired affect: both Professors blanched and glared at him, but stopped arguing.

"All right, everyone stand back; give him some space!" Poppy ordered. "You too, Albus!"

Everyone moved back towards the wall, not wanting to piss off an already stressed-out Madam Pomfrey.

Harry had moved properly for the first time in six months. Despite being diagnosed as comatose, he had occasionally twitched and once even sneezed, but nothing Madam Pomfrey or anyone did could wake him. But she and the Hospital Wing campers had woken to find he'd actually turned over, and was now twitching repeatedly and moaning softly.

"Well?" Minerva asked anxiously as Poppy cast what seemed to be a diagnosis spell without any result.

"I don't know! I told you all, I've never seen anything like this before!"

Molly put an arm round Ginny, who looked on the verge of tears. Albus excused himself quietly and left the Hospital Wing. Minerva watched him leave, a torn look on her face, and after a minute went after him.

* * *

"Albus? … Are you doing it again?" 

He pushed aside his knife, rolling down his sleeve. Minerva sighed and walked towards him, stopping to put her arms round him. No words were said – they just stood there together.

"The Feast will be starting soon," Albus murmured after a few moments.

"Do you need to talk?" Minerva asked quietly. Albus paused before shaking his head.

"Not now."

* * *

Ten minutes into the Feast, three of the teachers left in a hurry after a message arrived from Madam Pomfrey: Harry was definitely almost awake. 

Albus, Minerva and Severus arrived in the Hospital Wing to find Molly kneeling by the bed, cradling his cheek in her hand and murmuring softly to him. Although he looked much the same, Poppy informed them that his brain level was functioning almost normally. Albus looked from her back to the boy – young man – in the bed. His eyes were flickering.

"Harry?" Molly murmured quietly. "Harry dear, it's me."

His eyes flickered for a few more moments before opening. He blinked a few times.

"Mrs Queav -?" he began hoarsely, before coughing.

Molly frowned. "It's me, Harry, Mrs Weasley."

A light frown creased Harry's face. "I don't … remember …"

Anxious looks passed around the crowded room.

Molly smoothed Harry's fringe out of his eyes. "You don't remember me?"

"No," he whispered, anxiety filling his eyes. "Sorry …"

"Don't apologise, Harry," she said quickly, squeezing his hand.

"Do you know who you are?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

Harry shook his head, wincing. "Ow."

He swallowed. "What's my name?"

"Harry James Potter." This time it was Albus who spoke. At Poppy's nod he moved forwards next to Molly.

"Can you remember anything, Harry?"

"No," he muttered. "Not before the last few months." The others frowned, confused, but he carried on, unaware. "Just my first name; that's it. Annie tried to get me to remember, but nothing worked." He looked Albus in the eye. "Did she ask you to find me?"

He slowly shook his head. "Who's Annie?"

For the first time Harry's eyes flitted round the room, looking slightly taken aback at the number of people there. They paused and widened when he saw Ginny.

"You," he whispered.

Ginny looked as surprised as anyone. "What?"

Harry lifted his right arm and shakily pointed at her. "You … who are you?"

Ginny's face crumpled before she burst into tears and ran out of the room, followed quickly by Minerva and Hermione. Molly looked for a moment as if she would follow, but changed her mind.

"That was Ginny – my daughter. She's … she's your girlfriend, Harry."

He closed his eyes heavily. "I thought so."

* * *

Ginny paced up and down the corridor outside the Hospital Wing. "He doesn't remember. He doesn't remember." 

"Ginny -" Hermione tried.

The redhead retorted rudely and Professor McGonagall didn't even reprimand her.

"Ginevra," she said quietly, "I'm sure it's just temporary – he's just woken from a six-month coma, after all. I'm sure with time he'll regain his memories."

Ginny didn't quite have the nerve to swear at Professor McGonagall but looked as if she wanted to.

Dumbledore and Molly came through the door, both rather pale.

"Well? What else did he say?"

They both looked at each other.

"His memory is completely gone," Molly responded. "He doesn't have a clue who or where he is."

"I think it will just be temporary," Dumbledore said quickly. "It's a side-effect of either the coma or the spell that caused him to go into one – According to past records, he should remember within a few days."

"I don't want to wait a few days! Harry's been gone for six months, I don't want to wait any longer! I want my boyfriend back _now!_" Ginny yelled before breaking down in Professor McGonagall's arms, who rubbed her back soothingly and looked up at Dumbledore.

"What's wrong with him? He's got amnesia; I get that. But who's Annie?"

"I have no idea who Annie is," Dumbledore answered, although something in his eyes showed that those words were not completely true. "But I have a feeling I know where Harry's been."

"What do you mean, where he's been? He hasn't left the Hospital Wing!"

"That is where I think you're wrong, Molly," Dumbledore said gravely. "I think Harry's astral self has been living elsewhere with no memory of who he is."

"His _astral self?_ Harry can astral project?"

"Apparently so. It's the only explanation I can think of for what's happened. He had memories of life in the past six months, but nothing before that … Although I sincerely hope that will change."

"I want to know who the hell _Annie_ is," Ginny said fiercely. To her surprise, Dumbledore avoided her eyes.

"You … may find this Annie isn't even alive now," he said quietly. "Harry seems to think it's the nineteenth century."

"You what?"

"Can one astral project in time?" Professor McGonagall asked, pale-faced.

"Yes, although there have been _very _few records of it being done successfully."

"Isn't it dangerous?" Ginny asked. "Could you change the past without even realising it?"

"That is what I intend to find out," Dumbledore said quietly.

**TBC … **

_**AN:**__ I'm sorry it took so long to update, I'm sorry it was short, but it was to the point and I honestly couldn't drag it out any further.  
Can anyone guess where I'm going with this? And don't worry, Harry will get back his memories. This is just a temporary state he's in.  
I may find mistakes in this chapter because bits of this story are scribbled in about five different notebooks and I'm too tired to go and round them all up now. If I made any I'll mention it in the author's notes of the next chapter.  
The next chapter will probably be the Big Shocking Secret Revelation That Will Determine The Plot For The Rest Of The Fic … but if not then definitely the one after._

**Review Responses**

**rosiegirl:** Thanks!

**Ada Eyes:** Hehe, that was deliberate! I don't normally do that (make every Dumbledore OC I invent have an A-name) but I thought I would for this one. I don't do "then" or "suddenly" … at least I don't think I do normally. Let me know if I do. Can I ask a question – how do you pronounce your name (Ada)? Is it Ay-da or Ah-da? I'm curious because I've used the word in another fic (it's Elvish for Father and pronounced ah-da.)

**OSUSprinks:** I knew someone would just have to say it … but I was referring more to the rest of the fic … more so in the later chapters. In my defence I say that I'm writing him on the assumption that he's a much more serious, hurt person than he makes out – I mean come on, he's one of the most mind-boggling characters in the books: it allows for some creative licence. I just don't want people telling me I've gone OTT. (That's the whole point. Teehee!) Thank you so much for not telling me to update soon!


End file.
